I’ve been thinking a lot recently about childhood anxiety and how it affects the way children interact with the world around them. When I was a kid no one knew that I was suffering from anxiety because no one was talking about it, particularly in children. At that time, most children treated for anxiety had some sort of developmental or sensory disorder. I did not fit into either of those categories so anxiety wasn’t even on the radar for my parents or doctors. I remember sensing that I was different than other people my age but I couldn’t make the distinction as to what made me feel that way. In fact, it wasn’t until I was an adult that I realized many of my behaviors as a child were related to my anxiety, when a pretty awesome therapist helped me connect those dots. See, because I didn’t start having panic attacks until I was a teenager, I had no idea that the lesser version I had been feeling since I was a kid was anxiety as well. In fact, no one knew. Not my parents, teachers friends or doctors. If I could go back in time knowing what I know now, there’s some things I would have wanted the people I interacted with to understand. So without further delay, here’s some things kids with anxiety probably want you to know.
They’re not being dramatic. Something that was said to me a lot as a child was, “Don’t be such a Drama Queen.” “You are so dramatic, just stop.” Although it’s difficult to understand, a child with anxiety feels things much differently than everyone else. Children with routine anxiety feel uneasy during most of the day, even when things are going well. That’s why when something goes wrong, it can be incredibly overwhelming. Distress is their base line. When your average person stubs their toe, they feel discomfort strictly from the pain they feel in that moment. When an anxious child stubs their toe, their entire day (or more) of discomfort can come to a head in that moment. They’re already on the edge, so of course something small can push them over. It’s not “drama” when the distress is real to that child. Just because something isn’t a big deal to you, doesn’t mean the child’s feelings aren’t valid and very real to them.
It’s difficult to control anxious tics and habits. Ah, anxiety tics. The bane of my existence. Okay, that’s a bit overboard but they are definitely not fun. People around me had no idea that my “weird” habits were actually stemming from anxiety when I was a youngster, neither did I. I’ll never forget my mom taking me to the doctor because I was constantly clearing my throat. The doctor told me I probably just needed to drink more water and to keep a water bottle nearby to drink for whenever I felt I needed to clear my throat. I tried this for a few months, but of course nothing changed and when we returned the doctor shrugged it off and said I was fine. It wasn’t until THIS YEAR that I figured out this was an anxious tic. It is my #1 indicator that my anxiety is increasing and I’ve been doing it since I was eight!
Another habit I had when I was young was scab picking. (I know it’s gross.) I would get mosquito bites all over my legs and pick them until they bled and scabbed over. Then I would pick the scab. I did this over and over until they turned into huge sores. I remember one of my friends’ mothers saying to me, “You look like you have leprosy.” as she laughed at me. It was very embarrassing for me as a child. I remember making a promise to myself that I would stop picking my scabs after she said that, but I couldn’t. I tried my very best to stop but scab picking was a way that I eased the anxiety I felt, as were my other habits.
Just like how I used to brush my hair back behind my ears so much that the tops of my ears would bleed. Or how I would pick my fingers until they looked like something from a horror movie and it hurt too much to even pick up a pencil. I could go on and on telling you about habits and tics, but the point is that they’re difficult to control. Even as an adult I still clear my throat when I’m anxious. I can’t even tell you how many times someone has said, “Oh my gosh can you just get some water and stop that?” to me, even as an adult! I have a pretty good handle on my anxiety these days because of some hard earned coping skills, but most children haven’t developed those skills yet. They have these tics because it helps soothe them in some way. Don’t make fun or get angry. They’re not trying to be annoying, they’re seeking comfort from their own personal chaos.
Things that are effortless for you might be nearly impossible for them. When you think about going into the gas station to pay for gas, it probably isn’t a big deal. But for a child with anxiety that sort of thing can be painful. A lot of children who have anxiety in general tend to have a bit of social anxiety as well, which is not to be confused with shyness. Social anxiety is and overwhelming fear or phobia of one or more of the following: being judged by others in social situations, being embarrassed or humiliated, accidentally offending someone or being the center of attention. It’s more than shyness in that these situations are literally too much to handle for someone who suffers with social anxiety. I have many examples of this from my childhood but an example of this from my adulthood is probably more relatable.
A little less than three years ago I had the pleasure of marrying my now husband. We are both very private, so for our wedding we just went to my church and had the bishop marry us with only our immediate family there to watch. We did not want a reception but knowing how much it meant to my mother, we planned one anyway. At that point in my life I was pretty confident in myself but I knew my limits. (Bonus link to another blog post about why you shouldn’t push yourself to your limit) I knew that the “cutting the cake” part of the reception was going to be too much for me to handle. Eating in front of a large group of people was just not something I was comfortable with. But, the time came to cut the cake and I did as I was told. This experience was agonizing for me. I felt the embarrassment in every fiber of my being and had to walk out of sight afterwards to cry and pull myself together.
Social situations are just one example of many that might be nearly impossible for the child you know that has anxiety. There’s many other possibilities. Maybe it’s a school test, having their picture taken, being alone with someone else, being around animals or asking for help. There’s thousands of things that can be difficult for children with anxiety that you may never even think about. It’s important to remember that when your child is screaming and crying over something that seems so minimal in your mind. It’s probably incredibly overwhelming to them.
Rumination is real- and children with anxiety remember everything you say. Ruminating is simply repetitively going over a thought or a problem without completion, and chances are that the child you know with anxiety is ruminating constantly. If you trip and fall in front of some coworkers, you will probably be embarrassed for a moment and then move on. An anxious child in a similar situation, say at school, will not just move on. This moment will replay in their head over and over with no resolution. The child will feel that same amount of embarrassment over and over throughout the day, possibly longer. Along with replaying this moment, their thoughts will probably be riddled with self-deprecation. “How could I be so stupid?” “Everyone thinks I’m a loser.” “I’m just not good enough.” This is just one example of rumination.
Other ways a child may participate in rumination can be worrying about something excessively. They may know there’s a big test coming up in school or that they have to give a speech next week, or maybe something as simple as walking from the car to the school doors each morning. A child with anxiety might worry about this non-stop. They might replay scenarios in their head where something goes wrong until the very thought of actually doing it is too much to bear. Rumination is very real and the basis of much anxiety. So how does this apply to your relationship with an anxious child?
Think about what you say before you say it. Of course children with anxiety still need constructive criticism and correction, but you may need to do it a little differently than with other children. Anything negative you say to them is going to stick, and they’re going to think about it over and over. I can still remember most of the unkind things said to me as a child because I thought about it SO much after it was said. I’m a huge fan of Dr. Phil. Seriously. If you ask my husband who my celebrity crush is, he is going to tell you Dr. Phil. It’s not a physical attraction, but an intellectual attraction. Something Dr. Phil says that really rings true to me and applies to children with anxiety in particular is, “It takes a thousand atta girls to erase just one, “You’re no damn good.” So keep that in mind when interacting with an anxious child. This brings us to my last point.
They’re doing the best they can. It’s easy to become frustrated with a child who thinks and behaves differently than others, especially when you haven’t experienced what they’re going through. But the truth of the matter is, those children are probably doing the best they can. Anxiety can make the entire world seem overwhelming and terrifying, and this is the reality that children with anxiety are living every day. Their form of reality may be different than yours, but it’s legitimate to them. I don’t feel like I can stress that enough. So be patient with that child. Of course you still need to be their parent, teacher, friend, guardian or whatever you are to them. Of course you can’t allow their anxiety to take over their entire lives, you’re going to have to push them to do things they’re uncomfortable with. I just ask that you remember the way that you understand the world may be completely different to a child with anxiety.
So let the child with anxiety know that even though you might not understand, you’re there for them. Let them know that you will help them through whatever it is that is frightening to them. Make sure they know that there is more to them than anxiety and fear, and make sure they understand that YOU know that. When they are capable, help them try new things, even when it’s scary. Be patient with them. Understand that what they’re experiencing is real. And most importantly, just love them. Because chances are, love and acceptance is probably what they’re searching for anyway.
Sources:
https://adaa.org/living-with-anxiety/children/childhood-anxiety-disorders
https://www.healthline.com/health/transient-tic-disorder
“It takes 1,000 ‘atta boys to erase one nobody wants you around, no matter how justified it is.” #DrPhil https://t.co/Pm1JKGfp9N
— Dr. Phil (@DrPhil) October 14, 2017
https://socialanxietyinstitute.org/social-anxiety-not-shyness
Going to go over this with my 4 kiddos and talk about it with them to see if they can identify with some behaviors…I am realizing I had many (still have some) of these behaviors as a kid and would have loved to have them identified. Thanks Rachel!