I hurt my husband regularly. It’s never intentional or malicious, but it’s true. Well, I guess it’s not really me – but my sickness. I have anxiety. Not the ‘butterflies in the stomach’ kind, either. More like the ‘sometimes I only sleep a couple hours for days on end’ kind.
I’ll never forget the first time my husband allowed the toll my anxiety takes on him to show on his face. We were watching a movie in bed. I was doing my best to remain calm as panic-driven waves of adrenaline pumped through my body. My legs and hands were shaking uncontrollably, and my throat, already raw from hours of compulsively clearing it, dealt a painful sting every time I cleared it again.
As I laid there reeling, I suddenly became aware of a faint sniffling beside me. I looked over to find tears falling from the eyes of the person I love most in the world. “What’s wrong?” I asked. “I just want you to be comfortable. It makes me so sad that you’re never comfortable.” He said.
Lessons Learned
His words and feelings devastated me. I felt guilty for causing him unnecessary pain. Furthermore, the struggle to cope was only made worse by the all-too-common narrative that anxiety in relationships ultimately leads to failure. That was the beginning of a long and painful period of me questioning my value in my relationship.
Fast forward six years and I’m no longer haunted by those feelings. I’m not worried that anxiety in relationships means they’re destined to fail. I never had any lightbulb moments that changed my beliefs. It took years of loving conversations and earnest introspection to reshape the guilt and shame I felt about my illness. It took me a long time to truly understand that having a mental illness doesn’t decrease my value or worth in a relationship.
My reasoning? Well, my illness isn’t who I am, and it isn’t the only thing I bring to the table. In addition to being mildly neurotic and perpetually anxious, I’m also kind, funny, and intelligent. In addition, I’m generous, hard working, and I make a sincere effort to improve the lives of everyone around me. I’m a total catch!
Anxiety in Relationships
In fact, my anxiety is just one piece of a very complex puzzle that makes up who I am. Every person has pieces of themselves that hurt the people they care about. In reality, that’s just the nature of relationships – and the nature of love.
Finally, all relationships have things they must overcome, and anxiety in relationships is just part of the journey for some people – like it is for me. But in the end, you can bet your bottom dollar it’s worth it.