How to Grieve: Rearview Reflections After a Beautiful Life of Trauma

I’ve been thinking a lot about grief lately. I was marked by it from an early age, and it’s held a consistence presence in my life into adulthood. It’s not that my life is sad. Quite the opposite, in fact. My life thus far has been saturated with equal parts joy and grief. And I’ve found that contrary to common belief, joy and grief often coexist in perfect harmony, each giving life to the other. It’s also been my experience that learning how to grieve is the key to creating an environment where joy can thrive.

A Childhood Molded By Grief

There’s one example from my childhood that further explains my point. I was twelve when we found out my sister (7) had a brain tumor. Doctors gave her six months to live, and that was their optimistic number. It’s been over fifteen years since that day, and she’s doing better than ever. With her tumor gone, she’s working toward a full, healthy life. But getting to this point was one of the hardest things we’ve ever done as a family, and for me personally. I truly believe our struggles could have been minimized if we knew how to grieve – and how to grieve well.

How NOT To Grieve

First, we did what many people do when they get devastating news – we turned inward. Instead of reaching out to each other in our time of need, we isolated. We held the hurt silently, for fear of harming each other by showing any outward signs of weakness. We all thought we were acting selflessly, but we caused more harm to ourselves and each other by trying to do it all alone.

Second, we didn’t talk about it. Similarly to the first point, we never put our feelings out in the open. I often thought, “What if admitting how lonely or sad I am makes my parents or siblings feel guilty? They have enough to worry about.” So, it stayed hidden. I kept my feelings locked down so tightly that they eventually transformed into more that just sadness – darkness, anger and resentment. By the time I reached the latter end of my teenage years, I was devoid of peace and true feelings of joy.

Third, we all wore masks to cover our true feelings. Whether that mask was humor, overworking, anger, or something else, it didn’t reflect how we truly felt. We brushed over traumatic events with the sentiment, “You either laugh or you cry.” And while humor and laughter are healing salves in life, I wish we were brave enough to cry instead.

Round Two: Learning How To Grieve

We’ve grown so much since then. We’ve had healing conversations, and are learning to be more open with each other. As we’ve faced our latest battle with cancer, we’ve been more prepared than ever because we know how to grieve. I’ve watched each of us courageously and openly admit to our fears and challenges. We’ve bravely faced each of cancer’s blows as a family. And do you know what’s surprising? There’s been more joy than I ever dreamed possible.

As we stared mortality head on, it gave space for more sincerity, love and laughter. I thought my family couldn’t be any closer, but grief is teaching me otherwise. And while I know that there are many more days of grief ahead, I also know there’s joy around every corner. Because when we come together in moments of grief, it opens the door to a lifetime of joy.