It’s that time of year again. The time of year where everyone’s sleigh bells are jingling and ring tingle tingling too. There’s hustling and bustling, shopping, get togethers and strangers showing up at your door to sing and spread cheer. To the layperson, it’s all holly and jolly and wonderful. For me, however, I spend a great deal of time humming, “It’s the most horrific time of the year.” To the tune of The beloved Andy Williams song, “It’s the Most Wonderful Time of the Year.”
Maybe I’m being a bit melodramatic, or maybe there’s thousands of others like me who, without fail, are unenthusiastically labeled as “The Grinch” each year. But maybe Mr. Grinch is misunderstood, maybe he’s just overwhelmed. So, with Mr. Grinch in mind, here’s some tips for surviving the holidays.
- Don’t overschedule. Everyone is having parties, gift exchanges and recipe swaps, but how many do you actually need to attend? If social gatherings aren’t your thing, then don’t stretch yourself. Aunt Brenda and her unpalatable fruit cake will survive if you don’t attend her oh-so riveting holiday get together. Not to mention that you won’t have to endure the painful interrogation regarding your somewhat questionable life choices and relationship or baby status. Live to fight another day by skipping unnecessary parties and hibernating at home instead, like the polar bear you truly are.
- Don’t overspend. Think cheap, but meaningful. The holidays are stressful enough without adding financial burden to the list. When I’m considering buying a present for someone, I like to imagine myself in line at Taco Bell. I order my taco and suddenly the cashier comes back and says, “Sorry, your card has been declined due to insufficient funds. If you hadn’t bought (insert name of choice) a Christmas gift, then you could still afford this taco.” Then I think to myself, is (insert name) worth so much to me that I’m willing to not have a taco? If not, then they don’t get a gift. Or I just make them cookies with a nice card instead. Think cheap, but meaningful.
- Try not to eat your feelings. I too find myself victim of emotional binge eating, subject to intrusive thoughts reminding me that cookies are my only friends during these dark times. But alas, we must remember that cookies are not friends, they are additional waist line inches hidden beneath a sugary exterior of happiness. They may give short term feelings of love, but they give long term feelings of love handles. We must stand firm as members of the excessive cookie resistance, remembering our oath, “Only in moderation.”
- Shop when they do not. Have you ever found yourself in the grocery store the day before Thanksgiving within a sea of people so dense even Moses couldn’t part them? There’s a better way. Consider night shopping to decrease your risk of homicidal thoughts. Due to the invention of 24-hour retail, you can now follow your anti-social heart straight into the ice cream isle at three in the morning without the risk of seeing anyone you know. Except maybe your other anti-social friends, but do not fear- they don’t want to talk to you either.
- You’ll be fine, on-line. Great news, as long as you don’t live on The International Space Station, Amazon probably ships to you. You can do most of your shopping in your underwear from the comfort of your own home, with only your cat and web cam spies to see you, and no one there to wish you Merry Christmas. It’s a win-win. Santa Who? You’ll be out of the holiday season before you can say, “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer.”
- Give the gift that keeps on giving, to yourself. Sometimes the person that needs a gift the most is you. Jokes aside, don’t forget to take care of the real MVP this season. And if anyone questions you at all, just remind them that it’s not your fault that your heart is two sizes too small.
