It’s interesting how fear fuels intolerance. An Atheist and a Mormon walk into a church. It sounds like the punch line to a bad joke, but it’s actually a regular occurrence in my life. I’m a Mormon, and my husband is an atheist. Well, actually, prefer the phrase, a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. But this is beside the point. The point is that he and I have two very different belief systems. To many people, it’s difficult to understand why people who seem so different married each other.
How Fear Fuels Intolerance and Destroys Relationships
The notion that two people with fundamentally different beliefs can cohabitate is a conflicting belief for many people. Let alone to acknowledge that two people with these believe can maintain a happy, healthy, marriage. This concept can seem foreign and alien, and numerous people as us how it works. My response to thwarted questions regarding the validity of our relationship is usually somewhat simple, “Why?”
Why is it that we allow fear of differences to come between us and our love for another person, or people? And do those fears stand on a solid foundation? Or are they swaying stilts that are liable to come tumbling down with the meagerest of winds? I tend to agree with the latter.
When we allow fear to govern our decisions, and more importantly our feelings for others, we create impenetrable barriers in human relationships. I also believe that most of these fears are unfounded. That introspection into oneself and the foundation of these fears would likely cause them to tumble.
Why would an Atheist and a Mormon Get Married?
When Seth (the husband) and I became engaged, we had many people in our corner. Though we were sad to discover an a vast number of people who were not. I’ll never forget someone Seth knows (this person was unaware of Seth’s Atheist status at the time) asking Seth, “How can you love Jesus and a Mormon?” This person also asked Seth if he was going to receive a vasectomy due to the fact that we are obviously incapable of raising children. Strictly because of our religious differences.
These questions and other accusations we received were hurtful, but obviously did not deter us from getting married. The thing is, religious affiliations weren’t the determining factor in our decision to get married. We based that decision on values.
WE spent thousands of hours getting to know each other while we dated. During that time, we learned that although we have different beliefs, our values are the same. We want the same things from life and our relationships. We have the same morals.
Additionally, we learned that disagreeing on something doesn’t automatically equate to a loss of love or affection for the other person. Disagreeing can, in fact, accomplish quite the opposite. We found that when we seek to understand, instead of trying to change, our relationship experiences growth. Not recession.
We aren’t Making it Work
People are always asking me how Seth an I “make it work.” The truth is that we don’t have to “make it work,” it just does. Our marriage is not about our differences. Our marriage is about two people who love each other, united in striving for and achieving mutual goals. It’s about choosing love every day instead of fear. Fear should never govern our affections; it inhibits progress and encourages irrationality and separation. I believe these principles apply to all relationships, and not just marriages.
How different would the world and our personal relationships be if we sought understanding instead of separation. In a world of increasing religious, political and social diversity, we will all need to interact with individuals and communities who are in conflict with our own views. This is a glorious opportunity!
We have so much to learn from each other, that’s why it is pivotal to choose love over fear. To understand how fear fuels intolerance. I feel confident that most of the hatred, guile and anger we express towards each other is really just fear hiding beneath a cloak of volatility.
Fear is the barrier that we all have to overcome, forcing it out of our minds a little at a time, and replacing it with understanding. After all, understanding is the backbone of love, and understanding is why a Mormon and an Atheist walk into a church.