Unveiling the Secret of My Abuse
The first person I ever told about my childhood sexual abuse experience was my husband. We had only been married a few months when I finally revealed the secret I’d been keeping to myself since I was a child. I never told him (or anyone frankly) because I always felt a sense of shame and guilt. My anxieties told me that he might think of me as a broken person. I feared he would think of me as damaged beyond repair. Additionally, a small part of me thought that he might not love me anymore.
Fortunately, my feelings were completely unsubstantiated. He just took me in his arms and told me we needed to arrange to talk to a professional about this. He also reassured me that nothing could ever change his feelings for me.
In that moment, I felt this massive sense of relief. I realized then, as he looked at me, that he didn’t think of me as less of a person. He didn’t think of me as a damaged person. He thought of this trauma that I’d experienced as simply that. A bad thing that happened to the woman he loves. That moment was the first major step in my healing process.
Yeah, it’s uncomfortable. But we have to talk about it.
Childhood sexual abuse is an uncomfortable topic for many, but statistics confirm the need for discussion, as well as prevention.. One in four girls and one in six boys will experience sexual abuse before the age of 18. We need to talk about this. We can’t sweep childhood sexual abuse under the rug anymore.
This isn’t about “stranger danger” anymore either. Studies tell us that 93 percent of children who are victims of sexual abuse know their abuser. This means that less than 10 percent of sexually abused children are abused by a stranger. We need to understand recognized and understood that the monster in the closet isn’t some unknown passerby. It is almost always family and friends. What can be done to protect children, and what do you do if a child confides in you? Because right now, more than 25 percent of girls and nearly 17 percent of boys are subjected to this type of abuse.
What can you do to help the children you love?
- Teach children about boundaries and help them uphold them. Talk to children about the parts of their body that no one else should touch. Teach them correct anatomical names of these parts so it’s easier for them to communicate to an adult if they have been violated. Never force children to accept touch from people they aren’t comfortable with, even non-sexual touch like hugs or cheek pinches. Children have a right to say what happens to their bodies and we as adults have a responsibility to protect that right. Help children say no when they don’t want to be touched.
- Pay attention. Notice when other adults are crossing boundaries like trying to be alone with a child, demanding hugs and kisses or showing grooming behaviors. Educate yourself on what grooming looks like and be on the lookout for it. Don’t allow your child to be alone with adults, men in particular, as 96 percent of people who sexually abuse children are men. Be a watchdog for your child.
- Maintain a healthy, open relationship with the children in your life. Prevention is key, but the ability children have to speak to a responsible adult after abuse is just as vital. Children need to know they have a safe person to talk to, even if it’s about something that feels embarrassing to them.
- Respond appropriately if something does happen. Don’t become angry or irrational. This can confuse the child and make them feel like they’ve done something wrong. Most importantly, believe what they say. Children rarely lie about sexual abuse. Take every confession at face value and contact the appropriate authorities.
What to do to Prevent Childhood Sexual Abuse
- Talk about it, learn about it, talk some more. The more educated families and communities are regarding the signs of sexual abuse the more likely they are to notice when something is amiss and do something about it. Talking more openly about sexual abuse removes the stigma and will help survivors find their courage to come forward.
- Know your local resources. Most communities have organizations committed to helping children who are victims of abuse. Know them and use them. A great place to start is asking your local sheriff’s office what resources they’re aware of that can help if you need it.
- Support Survivors. Although it should go without saying, supporting survivors is a huge part of beating stigma and breaking the silence. If a child or adult confides in you, be sure to respond in a caring and loving way regarding their abuse. Jokes are not appropriate and minimizing the effects someone’s abuse has on them can just add to their trauma experience.
What I Learned from a Detention Center
I had the opportunity to work in the detention center of my previous town, advocating for the needs of clients within the facility. Of the “offenders” that I worked with, I would say a low estimate of about 80 percent of them confided in me that they were victims of sexual abuse or assault during their childhood. This is not surprising, considering numerous studies have found long-term effects and correlations between sexual trauma and self-destructive behavior. Other correlations include higher levels of depression, guilt, shame, self-blame, eating disorders, somatic concerns, anxiety, dissociative patterns, repression, denial, sexual problems, and relationship problems.
Spreading a Message of Hope to Childhood Sexual Abuse Survivors
When you put all the evidence together, it can seem like someone who has experienced childhood sexual trauma has no chance at leading a successful life. The idea that abuse victims are “forever damaged” spreads through media and social circles like wildfire, before finding space in the heart of a victim, who now believes they are beyond repair. This hurtful untruth bears the conclusion that seeking help for the hurt that someone did to them is futile, when what they actually need is hope.
Though it may be a difficult and heart wrenching process, counseling from a trained professional can help heal the wounds a victim carries after abuse. Evidence-based therapies provide relief from trauma and empower victims to overcome the statistics. Although a person can struggle for much of their lives due to their trauma, that is not what must be. Help is out there, and the wounds left after abuse can healed and symptoms can be managed. However, this fact does not diminish the legitimacy of the damage caused by childhood sexual trauma.
It may be that a victim experiences symptoms of their abuse for the rest of their lives, but absence of symptoms is not what qualifies or excludes a life from being labeled as successful. Life-long symptom management is key, and can be attained with the help of qualified counselors and professionals. Trained therapist and medication providers can bridge the gaps between suffering and healing. There is always hope.
When we erase stigma surrounding sexual abuse, we empower victims and help them come forward. By speaking up, we help them reach out. So, speak up today and change the world.