Breaking Free- Give Yourself Permission to be Unwell

Give yourself permission to be unwell. It’s a lesson I’m learning every day, but not always succeeding at accomplishing. Maybe because it’s so difficult to accept that I’m sick sometimes. Just recently though, life gave me the opportunity to learn a lesson.

A Sleepless Night

A couple days ago, I awoke to a familiar feeling. My eyes felt heavy, my stomach unsettled and a mild headache greeted me in my first moments of consciousness. I became instantly aware of the previous night. I recalled the uninterrupted succession of panic attacks that plagued my would-be sleeping hours. The last time I looked at the clock it was 4:30 am, and I still hadn’t slept. It was now 7:30, and an overwhelming dread began leaking towards the surface of my awareness. “I have SO much to do today.”

Every bullet on my to-do list became darts of panic and dread. I wondered how I could possibly accomplish it all, feeling as poorly as I did. I got up anyway and half-heartedly made an attempt to get started.. After about an hour though, I realized that I was just too tired and overwhelmed to make good progress. As I thought about my predicament, I felt a sense of guilt and shame wash over me. I thought about how, for me, so much of my value as a person is mingled with my ability to be productive. But then, as I stood contemplating where my value lies, I decided to let those feelings go.

I crawled back into my bed with my dog and my favorite movie. In that moment, I gave myself permission to be unwell. At least for one day. I didn’t choose to stay up all night. My sleep was once again stolen from me by the monster in my head. Much like a child paralyzed with fear from the unseen boogey-man, I too experienced great despair at the hands of my captor. And although others may be unable to see it, the fear experienced by myself and the paralyzed child is much too real.

Courage to Feel the Effects of Mental Illness and to Give Yourself Permission to be Unwell

Unfortunately, being unable to see an illness does not grant one immunity to its effects. This is why it’s so challenging for those without a mental illness to understand the struggles of someone with one. Even more tragically, it is likewise why someone with a mental illness can struggle to forgive themselves when they are unable to function in a typical fashion.

I ended up taking the whole day to rest and recuperate after my sleepless night. The next day, after a much-needed rest, I was able to accomplish all of the things I wanted to the day before and then some. Part of me wonders though, would I allow myself another day if I needed it? Or, would the guilt of non-productivity become the crutch I used to accomplish my to-do list?

I don’t know the answer to that right now, but I do know what my answer should be. I think a huge part of having a mental illness is accepting it. But another big part is learning to give yourself permission to feel unwell. To feel the effects of your illness. No on can see mental illness. It’s not like a broken bone. There’s no x-ray that tells you the problem. Mental illness is unseen, except to the person affected.

Sometimes it’s hard for me to accept, but there will always be occasions when my anxiety impairs my functioning. It’s my hope, that on those days, I have enough courage to allow myself to be unwell.